Getting By
by McRaider
Summary: Part 8 in the Journey series. A more psychological look at how the Torchwood team handles life after the loss of their two friends and teammates.
1. Chapter 1

Series: Journey  
Title: Getting By  
Author: McRaider  
Summary: Sometimes it's all you can do after a tragedy is hold on for your life and pray that nothing else goes wrong. This is the aftermath of Lost Souls and how our fair weathered friends survive the loss of their two team mates and the destruction of pieces of their city.  
Author's Note: Originally, I had not real intentions of touching this point of the story, I was going to fast forward a handful of months—but then I realized so much is going to change and so much is going to hurt for so long. So realistically this is a piece that focuses on the survivors story and how much it can ache to slowly move on.  
Rated: PG-13 for now  
Disclaimer: I own nothing, no really as of right now the only thing I own is the tiny life in Jack's womb but even that hasn't come into existence yet, so I can't claim her. I own the psychiatrist but as I never name the psychiatrist I can't really claim such. Torchwood/Doctor Who is not my creation—now if you'd like to see my creation, come back in three or four years!  
Thanks: To my lovely betas—

Chapter One  
**Date: February 9****th****, 2010  
Patient Nate: Ianto A. Jones  
Diagnosis: Depression, Anxiety  
Purpose: Too many Deaths  
**  
I'm sad to say that compared to some—I'm a bit of an expert on death. Some of the things I've witnessed, the pain I've felt. It all started when I was a little lad, barely knee high, I watched my gemma die. I can remember vividly bidding her goodbye and knowing that I would never see her again. My mam said she'd go to heaven—naturally at the time I had no conception of heaven, but it made sense to me, so I chose not to argue. In 2002, I lost my older sister—well truthfully we lost her long before that, after she ostracized her self from our family before she turned eighteen. I'll never forget the horrible feeling of walking through the front door to and seeing my mother standing there in the driveway. Carys had come to pick me up, an' I knew when she picked me up nothing good could come of it. Neither of us spoke, perhaps we were both mourning the loss of a sister we never truly knew. I stepped into the house and moments later found myself breaking down in my mother's arms. At the time, I'd say my mother was crying over the child she'd lost. Me—I was crying because I'd lost someone I'd never fully known and wished I could have her back.

After that I went three years without loosing someone. It was an excellent feeling, and then in 2006 I lost my girlfriend, Lisa.

_Death by Torchwood?_

Perhaps—I used to blame Jack for her death—before I realized what he'd been saying was true. She died the day they tried to convert her.

_What about Jack?_

We're managing the best we can, truthfully. It's been nearly four weeks since Gwen and Owen's passing. It hurts, it physically aches to walk into that office everyday and wander around with coffee—ready to ask them if they want coffee, only to see Jake and Martha, or Mickey an' Martha sitting in their place. Jack feels it too, in a different way—he's already been through so much, and he's suffering the loss of two more people. I guess we're just doing the best that we can with what we have now.

_Is it enough?_

Some days—no.

_What do you mean?_

Well, he an' I have rows now, more than we used to, don't get me wrong Jack an' I fought before Gwen and Owen died. But not like we do now, when we fight now, it's as if we're fighting against each other to save each other. I'm not sure that makes sense, but I guess we're yelling at each other because we don't know how else to express ourselves at this point. A couple nights ago we had a blow up over what to have for dinner. I s'pose it seems stupid, or maybe it's more domestic than ever—but something about what's happened has changed us.

_This surprises you?_

No—I knew it would change us, something would be wrong with us if it didn't. I guess, but sometimes I find myself wishing we could go back to Gwen and Owen bein' alive—Jack an' I heading in a different direction.

_What direction are you headed in now?_

I don't even know anymore. I think he's scared.

_Aren't you?_

Should I be?

_You tell me, you've survived something most people would be scared from, and here you are, second time after losing people you love, still working for Torchwood. Aren't you scared?_

I'm scared of a lot of things, I'm scared of spiders, I'm scared of pain, I'm scared of—I dunno I'm scared of lots of stuff.

_Losing Jack?_

Yeah, maybe.

_Losing Tosh? _

Sometimes.

_Losing yourself._

Yeah—I guess I'm scared of all of it. Thing is—Tosh said it best, Torchwood takes up our entire lives, we don't have anything past those walls. It consumes us, what are we s'posed to do about that!? It's not like we can walk home and turn off work. I'm datin' the boss of work—it's a little hard.

_Aren't you marrying him?_

We put the civil partnership on hold for now.

_How do you feel about that?_

It makes sense now, but—I don't know, I think that scares me too. I'm afraid he's going to wake up one mornin', look at me and say I'm not worth it anymore.

_Is he worth it?_

Definitely.

_You didn't hesitate there, why? What's so special about Jack, about your relationship?_

He's just—Jack. It seems so complicated to explain, but it's simple. I love him.

_You still love him, after everything that's happened?_

What is that s'posed to mean?

_He killed your girlfriend—_

That wasn't his fault. Jack would die for us—

_But he's immortal._

I know that!

_Ianto, relax, I'm making a point here, you've sacrificed everything you have for him, an you just said that he'd do anything for you. Jack is scared, but tell me something, after those fights have you two talked about how you feel?_

Isn't that why we're coming here?

_You're coming here because he told you to, and don't deny it. You've all just suffered some great loses and now every one expects you just to move on. Tell me Ianto, what scares you the most about your relationship with Jack?_

That one day I'll wake up and he won't be in love with me anymore. Or that suddenly he'll find someone better.

_Isn't that something most couples suffer?_

I don't know.

_Think about it for a little while Ianto, seriously. Does he love you?_

I think so.

_What makes you think that?_

I'm not sure.

_Course you are, you wouldn't have said it if you didn't believe it. How do you know?_

Because—he loves my coffee, because every night—even after fighting, we still come back to one another, and because when Jack looks at me—it's like I can see the whole universe in his eyes and he's just aching to give that to me.

_Ianto, next week when you come, I'd like Jack to come with you. You're making progress, and in the past three weeks I've already seen some minor improvements, but for starters I want you to be sure about this relationship. Once we get you there, I'd like to work on the medication you're taking._

I've been on the sleep aids for years.

_I know that's what I have a problem with. Ianto, you're young and vibrant, you should sleep by yourself. Let's work on getting you off the medication, not cold turkey, just off. Will you agree to bring Jack with you next time?_

If he wants to come.

_I'll speak with him tomorrow, don't worry. _

Can I ask one more question?

_Certainly._

Does this ever stop hurting? I've lost so many people—an' I'm only going to lose more, is this always going to hurt this bad?

_Sometimes it will hurt much more than other times. You're never going to stop hurting, you're just going to get used to the hurt. It's part of losing someone you love. An' I know you loved Gwen and Owen. Try to live because of them, in memory of them, rather than live after them. _

See you next week.

_Yes you will, with Jack._

**Summary Session: He's scared, but he's making great headway, he's opened up more in the past three weeks than he has with me ever before. I have some concerns about his medication use for sleeping. He also seems concerned, but more concerned with the idea of not taking them anymore. We discussed having his fiancé attending the next time; he seems genuinely interested in getting better.**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two—Interlude #1

Ianto was tired, physically tired, in three weeks he felt like he hadn't really let go of everything around him, but today he'd been pushed over the edge. Jack, for whatever reason, had chosen to be a complete wanker today, frustrating everyone in his path. So, at three in the afternoon—shortly after telling Jack to bugger off, Ianto left, nothing was getting done anyway, there was no reason to stick around and be Jack's scapegoat for the afternoon.

Maybe it was the silence of his flat, maybe it was all the pictures that were adorning his living area, him and Owen, him and Jack, him and Gwenn—several of him and Tosh. She'd become his rock, and his her rock during Jack's disappearance, and only seemed to continue since the death of Gwen and Owen. He'd come to truly love Tosh in a sister way, and for a man who'd lost a sister—it was so easy to accept her and love her all the time.

Perhaps, it was knowing that as he looked at the pictures on his shelves, or seeing the little box on the desk for his birthday that did it. Ianto was positive he'd never know exactly what set him off that night. But shortly after walking in the door, Ianto lost it—for the very first time in four months.

He was so tired of being the strong on, so tired of holding everyone else up. Someone eventually had to hold him up, or perhaps he'd suffer alone. Just like he had in the past. All Ianto knew was one moment he'd been standing there, clasping a picture in his hand of them, and the next minute he was curled on the couch sobbing, heart wrenching sobs as he began to release everything that had started building up only a few weeks ago.

He wasn't sure how long he'd been crying, but he jolted from his own thoughts of anguish when he felt a gently hand running through his hair. Opening his swollen, red rimmed eyes Ianto caught sight of Jack Harkness. "You always support me." Jack's voice was cracked as he gently slid Ianto into his arms, allow Ianto the comfort of someone to hold onto during his break down.

"I miss them," Ianto whimpered into Jack's arms.

"Me too." Jack replied softly as he rocked his crying partner, rubbing his back, whispering soft words into his ear. Holding on tight, for everything it was worth, Jack let Ianto lose it. He let his partner cry all the pain away—at least for now.

Finally, when Ianto's tears had subsided, and he felt completely drained, he looked at Jack. "What now?"

Jack pressed a gentle kiss to Ianto's forehead. "You sleep—because you seem to think it's not important anymore. I'll start dinner, I'll wake you when it's finished."

"Jack—promise me it's going to be okay?"

Jack sighed, it didn't seem fair, and this was only the beginning of the loss they'd suffer together over the next thousands of years. Reaching out, he carded his hands through Ianto's hair and smiled. "I would love to be able to promise you that this is going to get easier. It won't, you're going to cry every time you lose someone; that's okay Ianto, cry—because when you've stopped crying it means you've lost more than the person you love. You've lost yourself. Close your eyes, I'll be here when you wake up. I promise."

And he was, when Ianto woke up nearly an hour later, dinner was on the table, Jack had cleaned the house a little and was there as support for his lover. Ianto felt a little weight lifted from his shoulder's for the first time. He realized he didn't have to carry his burden alone anymore, and neither did Jack. That's what relationships were about, equal burdens and dealing with things as they came.

"You need to eat," Jack whispered gently, still running his fingers through the silky hair. "And maybe take a shower."

"Are you saying I smell bad?"

Jack shook his head, with a short grin. "No, I said you need to take a shower—you can interpret that however you see fit."

"What if I don't want to take a shower?"

"Then I'll haul you're ass in there, and wash you down so that you stop stinkin'."

"Oi!"

Jack laughed as he hugged Ianto close. "Ianto—you're wonderful." He whispered.

Ianto smiled, he felt like he hadn't smiled in so long. Moving up Jack's body just slightly, he pressed his lips to Jack's. Jack immediately responded, opening his mouth—their tongues clashing in dominance.

Forgetting they were on the couch, Jack rolled over to land on top—sending both men crashing to the floor. In a tangle of arms, legs and clothed torsos, both men lost it in a fit of giggles.

"I—" Jack shook his head, unable to stop giggling.

Ianto grinned from ear to ear as he shook his own head. "Never as romantic as the movies, come on then, Cariad." Grabbing Jack's hand he pulled the man towards the bedroom, both still grinning and chuckling from their abrupt landing.

Stepping into the room Jack reached for Ianto's tie, as he began to try and lossen it, which seemed to only be making it tighter. Ianto finally slapped his hands away. "You're going to choke me."

Jack grinned as he leaned forward, allowing Ianto to work his tie, while he just kissed Ianto. "We're never going—to get—undressed—at—this rate." Ianto said, his words cut off by quick kisses to the lips.

Jack slid his hands down Ianto's pants, gripping the man's backside, causing Ianto to squeak slightly in surprise. "Why are you're hands cold!?"

"You cut off the circulation!"

"Oh that's sexy—" His words were cut off by a feral groan when he felt Jack's fingers slip in his entrance.

"You were saying."

"I'm going to hurt you." Ianto threatened as he back Jack towards the bed, his fingers working deftly at his shirt.

"Promises, promises."

It didn't matter that it wasn't perfect, it didn't matter that neither man was at the top of their game. All that mattered was they came together, in one another's arms. And at the end, they were curled around one another, holding each other close. "You still need a shower." Mumbled Jack as sleep took him over slowly.

Ianto chuckled. "You do too love, you do too."

"Love you."

"Ditto." Muttered Ianto as his eyes slid close and dreams of Jack claimed him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three  
Date: February 9****th****, 2010  
Patient Nate: Toshiko Sato  
Diagnosis: Depression and Loneliness  
Purpose: I'm probably well overdue**

_Tell me why you're here Tosh._

We lost two of our teammates in battle recently. I was the cause of one of them.

_You think you cause Owen's death?_

Yes.

_You weren't even there, now were you?_

Doesn't matter.

_Okay, how are you and Jack doing?_

I honestly didn't want to kill his brother, I really didn't. It was a kill or be killed situation. I never ever intended to hurt him further.

_Have you and Jack even discussed what's going on lately? From what Ianto's told me, you two have grown closer, and yet you're further from Jack than you've ever been. How would you like to fix that?_

I've been thinking about turning in my letter of resignation—he told me, when we first met, to give him five years. I've done that.

_So you think that's going to solve the problem?_

I didn't say that—I love Jack, he's like my big brother—

_Take your time Tosh._

I hate having him angry at me, or disappointed in me, because I love him so much.

_What do you hope to accomplish by leaving? What are you afraid of?_

I'm afraid of everything. I'm afraid of never getting the chance to live. I just want to enjoy my life, and I feel like I haven't been. I'm not blaming that on Torchwood, I love my job—

_And yet you are considering leaving. Tell me Tosh, what would you do if you did leave?_

I don't know, but Jack always said I was brilliant, must be a place for someone like me somewhere.

_Tell me about your relationship with Owen. _

What relationship?

_You were friends._

All the guys were my friends. Ianto was my closest friend, still is actually. But Owen—I don't know, I thought I loved him.

_Did you?_

Yes. I loved him, I would have given anything for him to survive.

_Do you feel like you've let him down?_

Of course, I'm supposed to be brilliant, instead I spent the last five minutes of his life crying. While he died—he said he loved me.

_Is that why you've been so quiet lately?_

Sometimes I wonder what could have been. My life would be horrible if it weren't for Jack. I got myself into bad situations, and he saved me. He really saved me. I just wanted to do the same for him.

_What makes you think you haven't?_

I just shot his brother.

_I don't think that means he loves you less. I think, the biggest problem you three are having right now, is seeing past your own grief enough to realize that you're all hurting. And you are all hurting Tosh. _

Will we stop hurting?

_You're always going to miss Owen and Gwen, I have no doubt about that, but the pain will lessen over time. You'll get used to that hole being there. _

I feel bad for Martha, Jake and Mickey sometimes; they must think we're a bunch of whiners.

_No, actually I'm pretty sure they think you're three people who are hurting beyond measure. Tosh, how would you like to make this better? You only have to see me for one more week. Do you want to continue, or would you prefer to be finished?_

Whatever you think is best.

_That's not what I asked Toshiko. How do you feel, right now about going back in the field?_

Terrified, but I want to be out there. I belong out there, especially after all of this. Someone has to protect the world from evil.

_Right then, one more week and we'll discuss from there what you'd like to do. In the meantime, I'd like you to do something for me. Talk to Jack, this isn't going to get cleared up if you two don't ever approach the unapproachable. _

Very well.

**Session Summary: Tosh is in a world of hurt, that right now I don't think she can see out of. The problem with someone so brilliant is that they don't always see the simplest thing. Communication may be an issue, and I'm seriously concerned about her not wanting to talk to Jack about leaving. However, hopefully that issue will be resolved; I hope that by next week we can decide where to go from here. **


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four—Interlude**

Ianto was thankful that in the past few weeks, since the temporary shut down of Torchwood Three, that the rift had been abnormally inactive. Though, they'd been keeping a vague eye on activity, truth was none of them were in much of a mood to fix or watch anything. However, shortly before leaving, the Doctor had promised that any and all emergencies on planet Earth would be taken care of immediately by himself personally all they had to do was call.

Everyone continued to come in, standard policy naturally, but Tosh never stayed long after lunch, most of the time she'd wind up whimpering as she left. Ianto did the best that he could, no matter what, but he was terrified that when he did break down, he'd never be able to get himself back up. Initially, Jack had given everyone a few days off—realizing that his "we start from the end" speech wasn't going to do anyone any good if they all off-ed themselves. Ianto, against his better judgment had spent the first few days after everyone had returned, with his parents—where he got his first opportunity to really mourn.

The hub had been all but shut down—Ianto, curious where his lover had gone made his way down to the shower in Jack's private quarters. Jack had gotten into a tussle with a weevil and had gotten a little bloodied. Ianto had been furious at Jack for even putting his life in danger like that, especially with their daughter on the way.

But it had indeed been, just a scratch, a bad cut to Jack's face and like all head wounds it had gotten blood everywhere. But Jack had been fine, so he'd gone down to take a shower. Ianto made his way through the hole in the floor—a little concerned when he saw that none of the lights were on. "Jack?" He called lightly. Since everything he'd suffered, Jack had developed a horrible fear of the dark—they still kept the closet light on when they went to sleep.

He could still hear the shower running behind the closed door of the bathroom. He felt his heart pounding in his chest as he slowly made his way to the door. Grasping the doorknob he opened it. A chill hit him as he heard a sobbing, breathy sound over the sound of the spraying water—the room was cold and the room was completely dark.

"Jack!?" Ianto called as he moved forward. He was just able to make out the sight of Jack curled up in a fetal position on the floor, sobbing and gasping for air. "Jesus Jack!" Ianto reached out to turn off the water, some of it splashing against his sleeve and he was stunned at the fierce chill of the water. Reaching out Ianto made a grab for Jack, only to have him scream and try to pull away. "Jack—Jack, Cariad, it's me." He whispered.

The light bulb had blown. He'd have to get Jack out of the room, move him some where they could have light. Hurrying back into Jack's bedroom, he grabbed the heavy blanket from Jack's bed. Moving back towards the bathroom he flicked on the weak light in Jack's main bedroom—it wasn't much, but it'd be something. He stepped into the bathroom, moving towards Jack's body, and he gently draped the blanket around Jack's freezing body. He wasn't even shivering—the body's main defense of warming itself and Jack's body had stopped. How long had he been like this? How long had he been alone in the dark, sobbing to himself—like a frightened little boy?

He managed to get his arms under Jack's arms, pulling him up just enough so that he could uncurl Jack and slowly drag him out of the room. Jack fought all the way—he didn't have a clue where he was anymore. Ianto was terrified of Jack's breathing as it was quick and forced under his hands. Ianto groaned as he tried to get Jack on the bed.

"It's me Jack, it's me, Ianto. I've got you." He cursed silently as Jack instantly tried to curl back around himself. "This isn't working!" Afraid to leave him, Ianto reached into his pocket and grabbed his cell phone, dialing quickly. He looked upstairs, trying to gauge how hard it would be to get Jack in a place where there was more light.

"Hello?" Martha's exhausted voice was hint enough to tell Mickey she'd been sleeping.

Ianto sighed. "It's Ianto, I've got a problem—"

"What's wrong? Is it Jack? Do you need me to come in?"

"I—I don't know for sure—the bulb blew in the bathroom—he's in a fit. I think he's hypothermic. He isn't even shivering."

"Try to calm him down, start warming him up, I'll be there as soon as I can."

As a Torchwood member, Ianto had the basic training skills, but he'd never had to use them on Jack, not like this. He looked back upstairs, and then back down at his lover. "I'm sorry Jack—I've got to help you—I've got to leave for a few minutes." Pressing a kiss to Jack's clammy cold forehead he hurried back up the ladder.

Ianto returned with several lamps, two more blankets and a back of warmed IV saline. He could recall Owen once showing him in depth how to insert an IV as well as where all the needed things were. Ianto hoped he'd picked up the information well, because he hated to hurt Jack more than he already had to. Placing it under a blanket to keep it warm, Ianto wrapped Jack up in another blanket and gently began to rub his body in soothing circles. He'd turned on all the lights he could, lighting the room up a lot more than it had been.

"Jack, wake up Jack, come on babe, look at me—open your beautiful blue eyes." He reached out, gently massaging the hands, trying to get Jack to unclench them. He was so cold. Ianto had once heard the best way to warm someone up was to get under something warm and share body heat. Stripping off most of his clothes, Ianto slid under the blanket, curling his body around Jack's. "I'm here Jack, right here, you're safe now. No one is every going to hurt I promise."

He gently began to trace his hands over Jack's torso, frightened by the chill he could feel radiating from Jack's body. God he hoped the baby was okay—the baby. Suddenly something in his mind clicked and he continued to run his hands over Jack's body again. "Hush little bab' don' say a word, papa's gonna bye you a mockin' bird, an' if that mockin' bird don't sing, papa's gonna by you a diamond ring." He smiled as he pressed a kiss to Jack's cheek. "That's what we're gonna sing to our baby girl Jack, come on. Open your eyes Caraid."

Jack's breathing had begun return to a normal pace. The big blue eyes finally opened, and with some slight recognition, Jack looked back at Ianto. "Yan?"

"Hi." He whispered pressing another kiss to Jack's cheek. "I'm here, sweetheart."

"I'm cold."

"I know—Martha's on her way, we're going to try and get you warmed up. Jack, do you remember what happened?"

"Bulb—it got dark an'," Ianto shushed him when he noticed Jack's breathing begin to hitch and speed up again.

"It's okay, you're okay. I've got you Cariad, I've got you."

"I'm sorry." Whimpered Jack.

Ianto pressed a kiss to Jack's forehead this time. "Don't—don't you ever be sorry for being frightened Jack Harkness, it's what makes you human. I've got you now. You take care of me so often; let me take care of you once in awhile too."

o0o

Martha arrived twenty minutes later, Jack's temperature was still low, but getting better every minute. Ianto warned her of Jack's naked state, to which she replied it was nothing she hadn't seen before.

"Just 'emember I'm cold." He mumbled, shivering had returned.

She chuckled as she moved to him and checked his pupils. "How are you sweethear'?" She asked gently as she popped a thermometer in his mouth.

"He's gotten warmer than when I pulled him out, his heart rate still seems high." Ianto offered.

"Right, Ianto can you him upstairs for me."

"Dressed?" Ianto questioned.

"Maybe a pair of loose boxers, I want to check on the baby."

With help from Martha and Ianto, Jack made his way shakily to the autopsy bay. Ianto hurried back down stairs to get Jack more clothes while Martha prepared to do an ultrasound. When Ianto returned to Jack's side, Martha smiled and rubbed some jelly on Jack's belly, causing him to shiver again.

Ianto leaned over and pressed a kiss to Jack's forehead. Before he could speak, however they heard the distinct thumping sound of a heart beat. Looking at the screen three sets of eyes grew wide at the sight of a tiny little figure moving around. "She appears to be fine. We'll have to be careful; the hypothermia could have stressed out her heart. But she looks and is registering healthy."

Ianto grinned softly as he reached out, touching the screen gently. "So beautiful."

"Still cold," whispered Jack, causing both Martha and Ianto to smile.

"You're also showing a more normal temperature. Let's get you dressed drive you two home. And I want you two to take tomorrow off."

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

**Date: February 10****th****, 2010  
Patient Name: (Originally—unknown) Captain J. Harkness  
Diagnosis: Too many damn things to count  
Purpose: Too much time**

_You look tired_

I'm almost five weeks pregnant you'd be tired too.

_How are you doing Jack?_

Fuckin' peachy.

_You sound like Owen_

I miss him.

_And Gwen?_

She was so beautiful—I promised to protect them and I didn't.

_You can't save everyone Jack._

No, but maybe I should try harder.

_I hear you had a panic attack a couple days ago._

It was so stupid—

_Tell me about your fears._

I've recently acquired a fear of the darkness.

_Not unusual for someone who suffered the way you have._

I've suffered a million things Doc, why is this the one that freaks me out?

_Everyone has a breaking point Jack, even you. You don't always have to be the strong survivor. When do you get to lose it?_

At night when it's just Ianto and I.

_You trust him._

With every ounce of my being.

_He trusts you too._

Maybe

_No, completely. Don't fool yourself Jack, it's not a one way relationship—I think you know that._

He wants to spend the rest of eternity with me. Do you have any idea how long that is?

_I'm going to go with forever and hope I'm right with that._

You're a smart ass doc.

_Indeed I am it's something I work hard to achieve. Tell me Jack, are you afraid you'll lose more, or are you afraid they'll abandon you._

I've been abandoned so many times—I thought it wouldn't hurt anymore, to watch those I love walk away. But it always does.

_Tell me how you feel about the Doctor._

A part of me will always hate him—for calling me wrong. It's not really his fault, but it hurt more than I thought possible. I didn't realize how much I loved Ianto until I realized how much I didn't love the Doctor—or how much he didn't love me.

_And what about Ianto?_

He's my savior. In every way. I've been in love before Doc, but not like this, never so completely with someone.

_Do you fear domesticity?_

Honestly, I fear change, it scares the shit out of me—but for Ianto I'd manage. We'd manage.

_And your child?_

We've discussed names.

_What are they?_

Roslyn Toshiko Jones Harkness or Owen Scott Jones Harkness.

_Why Roslyn?_

My best friend Rose, I want to give her something to be proud of—in me.

_You don't think she's proud of you?_

The Doctor isn't.

_Have you ever asked him?_

No.

_Perhaps you should before judging. Jack, what do you want to change?_

I've spent so long avoiding love—I just want a mate, someone I can honestly spend the next life time with, I don't care how long.

_Who do you want?_

Ianto.

_It scares you to need him so much doesn't it?_

I'm not used to needing people; I tend not to rely on others because I know they'll die.

_But he won't._

No, he wont' and I think that scares me almost more than being in love with someone. He chose to spend forever with me—fully aware how painful it could be.

_Do you want so spend forever with him?_

Yes.

_How have you been sleeping?_

I haven't.

_I see—_

Every time I close my eyes I see my brother's eyes staring down at me—or him killing Ianto. I—I can't face that.

_You can't stay awake forever Jack, even you know that._

I keep expecting to go to sleep, dream of Ianto and wake up to find everything back to normal. I miss them a lot—more than any other team.

_And Gwen?_

I loved her once, I did—but Ianto knocked my entire world off its angle, no—I loved Gwen like a little sister. Ianto's the one though. He's so that one.

_Yet you postponed the civil ceremony._

Fear I suppose, or maybe denial, because I know having it now means Owen and Gwen won't be there.

_How are they different from all the others you've lost Jack?_

I cared about them, I personally recruited them, they were my first real team—and I loved them.

_If you could tell them both one thing—just one thing—what would you want to tell them?_

I'm so proud of you both.

_Let's pretend for a moment that you didn't have forever with Ianto, what would you tell him?_

Thank you for giving me something worth coming home to.

_Perhaps you should stop waiting to tell him that Jack. I'd like to hold a session with the two of you during his time next week._

I suppose it makes sense, the both of us are suffering and we haven't been able to pull it together. Sometimes I feel guilty for having this baby now. Bringing her into this world.

_Is it that bad?_

No, it could certainly be worse, but it could also be better. Ianto and I haven't even really had the chance to celebrate her.

_How do you feel about this pregnancy?_

A month ago—before all of this, I would have said overjoyed, excited. God I've wanted a baby for so long, and I keep having miscarriages, and a part of me is afraid I'll lose her too. But then—then I feel her move, or I feel her foot press just slightly against my belly. She's—I can't wait to hold her, to kiss her, I can't wait to be her father.

_How does he feel?_

I don't know—like I said, with everything that's happened we haven't really had a lot of chances to talk about it, and every times the subject comes up—

_What?_

I think he feels guilty about Michael.

_Should he?_

No!

_How do you feel about what happened with Michael—the conception and the loss?_

I was raped—I've been raped twice—what do you want me to say? That it's not my fault—it isn't, it wasn't either time. Want me to say that I forgive them. I forgive Ianto, I'll never forgive the Master—but then he's dead so that doesn't really matter. Yes I was raped, yes it caused me to conceive a child. If it hadn't been for some stupid spore, he would be alive right now and maybe even beginning to speak. I can think of a million things I'd like to say, or that I feel. None of them really describe it though. Michael may have been the product of an unfortunate situation, but he was still my miracle, he was the only thing good that came out of something horriblly painful and I love him every moment.

_That's good to hear. What about Rose?_

What about her?

_She's back._

I've noticed.

_And?_

You sure ask about my feelings a lot.

_Part of the job as your psycho-therapist. _

Rose was a beautiful gift, and I'm not sure there's a better way to describe her. And I'm not going to try, the only thing I wish is that I could spend a little more time with her and my nephew before they both left with the Doctor. I guess sometimes I miss the things I don't get to do. I've got all this time, all these years and I still don't get to live everything.

_If you could have one thing come true, what would it be, anything?_

I'd marry Ianto.

_Then what are you waiting for?_

The pain to stop.

_It's always going to hurt Jack, you've got to learn to live with that pain. You're burdened with it so often, but it's time to let go of that burden and live again. Maybe Ianto is your chance for that happiness._

You sound like a fortune cookie.

_No I sound like your psychiatrist. Now, I'll see you next week with Ianto._

I'll never forgive my brother for what he's taken from me.

**Session Summary: He's carrying around more guilt than any man should, I don't know why I should be surprised by this. I'm a little concerned with what to do from here. He obviously needs more help than I can give him. However, we need to continue speaking about Grey, John and perhaps even the rape, as I feel these are his biggest concerns right now that he isn't speaking about. My long term goal with him is to get him to realize that he's going to lose so many more, but that they're all worth the love. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six: Interlude**

Tosh liked to consider her self a braver woman since joining Torchwood Three, five years ago. But now, she stood just outside his office door, as if terrified of what he would say. She hadn't spoken to him, barely able to look at him. What did you say to a man who'd just lost three people he loved? What did you say when you caused one of those deaths.

"Tosh, get in or get out—you're making me nervous." Jack finally stated glancing up at her, he hated being so blunt with her, but frankly he'd been a little more on edge since his defrosting. Jack sighed when he watched her turn to leave. Obviously, he'd have to take the first step. He was so tired. So very tired.

Standing up, Jack made his way across his office in less than four strides; he reached out, grabbed her hand and pulled her into a hug. He could tell Tosh hadn't expected it; she gripped him, but was still very tense. Resting his head on top of her head, he gently rubbed her back and sighed again. "I've neglected you these past few months. I'm so sorry for that Tosh."

She leaned back just slightly, looking up into his red rimmed eyes, her own beginning to water. "I'm sorry Jack. I'm so sorry." She began to whimper.

Jack pulled her close again, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. "God Tosh, it wasn't your fault. I told you I'd always take care of you. I meant it. Of course I'm upset about what happened." He pulled away so he could take her beautiful face into his hands. "If he'd—" Jack paused, his voice catching at the thought of what he wanted to say. "If he'd killed you, I never would have forgiven myself. As it is he killed Gwen and I'm going to ache for that for the rest of my life. But you, Toshiko, the one I swore to protect. Don't ever feel guilty for trying to protect or save a teammate, that's my job as the Captain."

"I'm so sorry." She continued to whimper.

Jack gently steered her towards the couch, never releasing her. Instead he kept a tight grip on her, all but holding her in his lap. "It's going to be okay, I promise." He murmured. Jack lost track of how long he'd been sitting there holding Tosh, when the tears finally began to slow and she just sat leaning against him.

"I miss them." She whispered.

He nodded as he continued to rub circles over her back. "I miss them too Tosh, but we're going to get through this."

Tosh smiled sadly as she looked up at him. "I was considering leaving."

Jack looked at her in surprise. "Why?"

"Several reasons, I figured after all of this—plus our original five year contract you wouldn't want me. I was so sure Jack. Thing is, I'm not sure I can live without Torchwood anymore."

He chuckled softly as he nodded. "Well good, because Torchwood can't live without you. Tosh, I want you here, I really do. And I'm so sorry I've been avoiding you. I had to come to terms with the losses alone before I could help you to struggle through. Don't ever think that I don't want you here. You're contract can be extended for as long as you'd like—that being said if you're still thinking about leaving, I might have to lock you up with Janet."

Tosh giggled slightly at that. "We really will get through this?"

"I guarantee it."

Ianto stepped into the hub and smirked at the sight of the two together, deciding to play the light side he moved over to them and sat down on the other side of Tosh, he put his feet up on their little coffee table, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "If he's buggin' you Tosh, just let me know. I'll beat him up for you."

"Promises, promises Ianto." Joked Jack playfully. He slipped one of his hand into Ianto's behind Tosh and smiled, they each were connected to one another. They sat there, in silence drawing strength from one another.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven: **

**Date: February 13****th****, 2010  
Patient Nate: Martha A. Jones Ph.D  
Diagnosis: Left behind  
Purpose: The wrong sort of doctor.**

It's not so much about being left behind, rather just knowing he was clueless to that fact that I loved him. An' I still love him, but Tom is my focus now. And I'm madly in love with him.

_You don't sound sure_

I traveled to the end of the universe with the Doctor; I've seen more than most humans will ever see in their lifetimes. Of course I'm not sure; sometimes I wonder if walking out was right. But he doesn't need me, he needs Rose. I could have fallen for Owen if not for Thomas. Now I'm replacing him, that's proving to be harder than I thought it would be.

_And Gwen?_

We never really got as close as Owen and I, or Ianto and I. Sure I'm going miss her. She was beautiful and lovely, an' she was full of so much life.

_Do you regret not getting to know her better?_

Sometimes yeah. I watch the others hurt an' I wonder what's wrong with me that I don't miss them both that much.

_How do you feel when you watch them?_

Sad, I feel like I should be able to help them, but I don't know how. Ianto just keeps making coffee for everyone, I watch him get teary when he prepares a cup for Gwen or Owen and realizes they aren't here anymore. They don't mean to hurt Mickey an' Jake, but they miss Gwen and Owen.

_How do you feel about the new team?_

I've gotten to bond with both of them. It's helpful in a way because the three of us will be much closer when they're ready to really accept us. It probably sounds strange, but its helping us become stronger so that when the time comes, we can be strong for them.

_What worries you the most about what they're struggling with?_

I keep waiting for one of them—or all of them to quit, to just walk out one day because it's not worth it.

_Is it?_

Most days, yes. I can tell they honestly want to protect this planet. They're just a little lost right now—and who can blame them.

_What can you do to help them?_

Just be there I guess. They're starting to come around slowly—Ianto seems a little more open these days, he's recovered the quickest, but then there are days where he's quiet and sad again.

_How do you feel about the year you lost?_

I've been seeing someone about it for awhile now, it's getting better everyday. I didn't suffer the same way Jack or the Doctor did. Thomas has also been very helpful and supportive of me.

_Now, when is the wedding?_

Two months, Oi! my mother is ecstatic. I am too, actually.

_Martha, do you feel the need to continue speaking with me?_

It's up to you, but I'm feeling better.

_Right then, Martha I'm clearing you for active duty. Good luck and you have my number should you need something._

**Session Summary: Martha is doing wonderfully; she's obviously a very strong woman. It's a great pleasure to know I can discharge her from my services.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight  
Date: January 27****th****, 2010  
Patient Nate: Jacob W. Simmonds  
Diagnosis: Time Adjustment  
Purpose: Crossing the Rift one too many times**

_Why are you here Jake?_

Why am I here in this office, or why am I here in universe?

_Both._

I'm in this office because Dr. Jones, the Doctor and UNIT decided not to let us reopen as a unit until we'd all been psychologically checked out. I'm in this lovely little universe because Rose bloody Tyler decided we needed to be in the wrong place at the right time. Thus, I'm stuck here with Mickey.

_How does that make you feel?_

A little annoyed.

_Jake did you leave anyone you loved back in the other universe?_

No.

_Really?_

Really, my mum died years ago an' my dad doesn't care anymore. Only man I care about is Mickey.

_Tell me about Mickey._

It's hard sometimes, he looks so much like Rickey, but I have to remind myself they aren't the same person.

_Do you love Mickey?_

Yes—it took awhile, and like I said I've had to remind myself when we're arguing that it isn't the same man—but yes I do. Completely. Frustrates the hell out of me, Mickey does—but then Rickey did too.

_Jake—what's the hardest thing you've had to deal with since coming to this parallel world?_

I think just knowing that things aren't the same—I mean over in that universe we had a president—here we have a Prime Minister. An' it's other stuff too—we didn't have Tescos over there, Mickey had to introduce me to that late one night. Not that it's a bad thing, but it's just weird to see different shops and stuff here. An' there are no zeppelins either—that's weird too. It has been an adjustment, an' not an easy one I'll admit. Plus, when I worked at Torchwood Two in Cardiff in my Universe, I was a leader, here I'm just staff. Granted there aren't exactly a lot of us to begin with.

_Do you feel like you could fit in when given the opportunity?_

Sure—I mean Rose used to tell us stories about Jack—but he's different. She knew a different Jack than I've seen in the past few weeks. This one is older, and full of more sadness. The one she spoke about seemed so carefree. He's a good enough guy—I've never seen anyone love someone as much as Jack loves Ianto. It's like they're clinging to each other for sanity.

_And what about you Jake, who are you clinging to?_

When I first met Mickey I said he couldn't replace Rickey—no one could, and he won't. I loved Rickey with all my heart. I miss him, I—

_Take your time Jake_

Its days like this, when we watch our friends die, that I remember how great we were together and how much I truly do miss him. Mickey isn't him, he never will be. An' yeah, I love Mickey—course I do, wouldn't sleep with him every night, hold him every mornin' if I didn'. But Rickey was the one an' I lost that. I can understand how Jack and Ianto feel, because I'd feel the same way, I'd be clinging to Rickey every moment if I could.

_What do you think Rickey would say right now, if he was here?_

Suck it up. Seriously though, Rickey had this sense of humor that just dumbfounded me sometimes. He could make the worst situation look okay.

_One of the goals of these sessions is to get you all back to a place where you're comfortable enough to work with each other, off each other, and to be a strong team. Jake—I believe you're fit to return to duty, but I'd like to keep seeing you, especially about Rickey. I think you've got some pent up emotions about it, and we need to get that resolved. Is that all right?_

Yeah—it's fine. So you're signing me back on duty.

_As of tomorrow morning you can return to active duty, but do me a favor first—take Mickey out to dinner, an' tell him everything you just told me. Because you two can't move forward in your relationship if you aren't honest with one another—and I'm pretty sure he's as nervous as you._

Yes sir, thanks Doctor.

**Session Summary: Jake Simmonds came over to this Universe just over a month ago, and aside from a little homesickness and time displacement, he's showing an astounding ability to adjust to everything that's changing for him. I truly believe he'll be fine given a little time. I'm signing him fit for duty, however I will continue seeing him for reasons pertaining to a loss he suffered in the other universe.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine:  
Date: February 13****th****, 2010  
Patient Nate: Mickey Smith  
Diagnosis: Tin Dog Syndrome  
Purpose: Crossing the Rift one too many times**

_How are you Mickey?_

I'm all right. Some days are better than others. It's strange being back in this Universe.

_What do you mean? This is where you're originally from._

I know, but you spend so much time in one place for any length of time and you just get used to it. I'm not seeing Rose anymore—it was easier to live without her when I saw her everyday. I miss her sometimes.

_You've got Jake._

I know—an' don't get me wrong, I love him—took a long time for me to realize that I really cared about him, but once I did it was so easy.

_Tell me about it._

I'm not sure I can explain it. It was about a year an' a half after Rose and I were stranded with her mum in the other Universe, Baby Jack was just turnin' a year an' Jake asked me to go shoppin' with him to pick somethin' out for the little guy. We went shoppin' an' spent hours just talkin'. It was strange but I think I realized that night that I could be happy with him. Didn't matter that I'd never been with a guy before—Jake was worth it.

_And you two get along?_

Don't get me wrong, it isn't perfect, but we work together, through the rougher times. There are times when he looks over at me, and I know he isn't seeing me though—he sees Rickey, and I'll never able to replace Rickey in his eyes. I hate that.

_Hate that you can't be Rickey or that he may not love you as much as he loved Rickey?_

Honestly? A Bit of both. I'm so afraid some days that he's going to leave me because I can't be Rickey. I—I've been left before and it hurts. I can't lose someone else I've loved. I just wish I knew how to make him love me for me.

_I don't think you can Mickey, I think you have to love him for who he is and he'll either love you for you or not. But as you said, there's only so much you can do. I think the fact that you are both actually dating says a lot. If he honestly didn't love you for you I don't think he'd even consider dating you._

Maybe.

_Tell me about your relationship with Rose._

Strained? I don't know, we were mates before she met the Doctor, and during the five years in the other Universe, it was like we were back to good friends. I miss that relationship with her. It's not even about datin' her anymore. I don't want to; I have someone I can spend the rest of my life with. But she was my best friend—she still is. An' the Doctor—I know he didn't mean to, but he took her away from me. I can't blame her for that actually. S'pose if he'd asked me an' not her I would have done the same thing.

_He seems to think she's something special._

She is! Oi! Donna gets it, I don't think Martha's gotten it quite yet, but that's what is so special about Rose—she's just ordinary. Just an ordinary girl with more heart than anyone could ever imagine.

_What changed Mickey—between when the Doctor took her the first time, and when you stayed behind the first time in the alternate universe?_

Me I suppose—it sounds strange, I used to believe that people couldn't really change. I figured they were who they always were an' unless somethin' big happened they wouldn't change that much. I was proved wrong twice—in Rose and in me. First with Rose, don't get me wrong I knew that woman was always there—that strong brilliant woman with power and compassion. But I saw it in action in a different way, a way that only the Doctor could bring out. Then I noticed it happening to me. He changes people, an' I'm not saying for be'er or worse, I'm just sayin' he changes people. You get out there an' you see what it's really like and we realize that we're nothing compared to everything in this universe. We're just specs in some grand scheme—that we don't even know 'bout yet!"

_Do you feel like you are a part of that plan? Is that why you joined Torchwood?_

I joined Torchwood because I was a member in the other universe, and I've seen Jack in action. He's a strong man, the kind of guy I'd want on my side when the world finally goes to hell. He chose me as a member of his team. That's almost like having the Doctor ask me to travel with him. I don't belong among the stars like Rose—I have a duty to this planet, a duty I didn't realize until I remained behind. Rose can do the bigger an' the be'er out there, but not me. I'm meant to protect this world.

_How have the deaths of Tosh and Owen impacted you?_

I don't know if they have really—I'm not sayin' I don't care. Course I do, I hate to see anyone die, especially good people who are obviously excellent at their jobs. But I didn't know them. An' I wasn't really around when it happened. It impacted me in the fact that I've watched Jack an' Ianto since, suddenly I'm faced with a mortality I didn't really have before.

_You mean like knowing you're going to die?_

No—it's more than that, it's knowing that anyone around me could die suddenly. Jake got shot a couple years ago an' that was our first real wake up call, where we realized that we only have this one life time. But now—now I'm seeing how it affects everyone. It's funny because relationships can take multiple courses from a point like this—they can become stronger, weaker, strained—all sorts of directions. But I'm watchin' it 'appen. Jack an' Ianto—I honestly believe this is going to make them stronger, especially with their daug'er on the way. The only reason they're even struggling right now is because they have to figure out who they are all over again, they have to deal with their immortality. Once they've gotten past that point they'll be stronger than ever. Those two are unlike anything I've ever seen before—actually I take that back, I've only ever seen two people love each other as much as I've seen Jack an' Ianto.

_Who?_

The Doctor an' Rose. It's not exactly the same, but it's very close. I watch Rose—I can see it in her eyes, there are moments where she's horrified by what the Doctor can do, but she understands all in one. That's love—I don't even know if it's just love—it's something so far beyond that. Because it's so hard to watch someone let people die—knowing that if those people don't die many more will. Rose can look at the Doctor's past and justify it, not many people can do that. She has her own trail of pain now, an' the Doctor does the same for her, because for as bad as some of the things they've done—they can see the logic in it, they can forgive each other. That's a powerful thing right there. That's what Jack and Ianto have, Ianto knows that Jack's done horrible things—but he doesn't care, or at least he pretends he doesn't, because he knows deep down inside Jack's a good man. That kind of love and devotion—it's almost unheard of. Like I said, I've only ever seen it twice and it's the strongest thing I know of. I've watched it torn apart and brought back together.

_Where do you want to go from here, Mickey?_

I want to live—whatever life I have left, which could be a hundred years or a hundred hours. I want to live, with my boyfriend, fight aliens and protect this planet for all it's worth.

_And you will Mickey Smith, you will. All right then, I'm signing you for Active Duty, as of tomorrow morning you can return to work and fight aliens. Got protect our planet Mickey._

Thanks Doc.

**Session Summary: He's a good guy and he honestly has a firm grasp on things. He didn't talk about himself—but somehow based on his history I wasn't greatly surprised by this. I'd be surprised if I ever saw him here again. He's stronger than anyone gives him credit for. I'm signing off for Active Duty; he's definitely fit for field duty. The world is in your hands—Mickey the Idiot.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten—Interlude # 4**

Ianto had been silently listening to Jack retching for the past hour, and while Ianto's stomach had gone from steel to queasy in the past ten minutes, he was getting more and more concerned for Jack and the baby's well being. He sighed as he moved back to making dinner, in hopes maybe Jack would keep it down. He heard the bathroom water running and glanced up in time to see Jack step into the living room. He was pale and drawn, exhaustion replacing the normal worry lines. "Jack—"

"I'm fine Ianto."

"You're sick all the time!" Ianto returned without even thinking, he didn't want to have this fight again. He was so tired, and he knew Jack was too-they were both so very tired of fighting, of the pain and fear of everything they'd been through. But the train was already headed down the tracks and there was no hope of stopping it now.

"I've noticed." Jack quipped in return.

"Stop ignoring possible problems! What if something is wrong?"

Jack glared at Ianto. "It's not, don't you think I'd know! I've been through this three times!"

"Why are you always so calm about this!?" Ianto chose to ignore Jack's previous statement.

"Why are you always so wound up?"

"Because you're dumping your guts my bloody toilet!"

Jack, slightly stunned by those words, whirled around and headed for his coat. "Fine, I'll go dump my guts elsewhere," he whispered.

Ianto rolled his eyes and sighed. "Jack—I can't keep doing this."

Jack's heart was pounding in his ears at those words. "Wh—um—" He grabbed his coat, tears stinging his eyes—god he hated hormones.

Ianto felt his anger deflate entirely. "Stop."

Jack stood there, his back to Ianto, eyes squeezed closed as he tried to even out his breathing. He felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. Ianto slowly turned Jack around to face him. Then he slowly lifted Jack's chin. "Jack do you want this?" he asked softly.

Surprise registered in Jack's face, as he finally opened his eyes to look at Ianto. "To yell at you?"

Laughing, Ianto pulled Jack close by the coat and all but threw his arms around the older man. He held him close, burying his face in Jack's shoulder for a moment. "No—do you still want this," He asked, squeezing Jack tight. "Do you still want this relationship? Us, all that's going to promise over the years? Do you still want me to hold you when you have nightmares, do you still want to whisper to me softly, sing to me when I have bad dreams? Do you want to hold my hand in public, to argue when we disagree, everything about us? Do you want it all?"

"Of course I do," Jack whispered, without a moment's hesitation.

Ianto grinned, so glad that had been Jack's response. He slowly released Jack, took a step back, slid to the floor on one knee, pulled out a small box and grinned like an idiot. "Jack Harkness, will you marry me—again?"

Jack closed his eyes to the wave of tears that came to his eyes as he watched Ianto pop the box open. There in front of them were the two rings he'd bought on another planet so long ago. "Yes—though we've got to stop proposing to each other." Chuckled Jack.

Ianto stood up and threw his arms around Jack's neck, hugging him close, kissing him tenderly, and letting all his emotions and passion seep through the kiss. "Jack, I love you, and there is no one on the face of this planet that drives me as crazy as you do and makes me love them as much as you. And I'll propose to you as many damn times as it takes if it means you'll set the date."

Jack wasn't sure how long they stood there, just holding each other. At some point, they'd both started crying. It was after dinner had grown cold, after their tears had gone dry, when Ianto suggested they just sit down, watch a movie and order in. Twenty minutes later, they were curled against one another, dinner in front of them and a sappy romantic comedy on. But they were paying attention, rather they had been talking—no holding back, Ianto and Jack told each other everything. Jack told him all that he could remember of his past, praying Ianto would still love him when it was all over. And Ianto did the same, telling him about his initial plan of bringing Lisa to the hub, why he'd done it, how scared he'd been, how from the moment he'd fallen on top of Jack, he'd been in love.

"Should we wait until our daughter is born?" Jack questioned softly as he ran his fingers through Ianto's hair.

The younger man smirked, his head resting against the little bump that had begun to form in Jack's stomach. Their daughter—Jack was now a full five going on six weeks along and sometimes, if Ianto looked hard enough he could almost see the beginnings of a bump—maybe it was his imagination. But Ianto wanted to believe it, he touched Jack every day, and noticed the roundness—if everything continued the way it would for a woman, then the dangerous period—when Jack could miscarry again would end in another month and a half, they could breathe easier, and Jack's morning sickness would go away. They would know for sure in a couple more months if it was really a girl—the Doctor had called her a girl, so they'd been calling it a girl since. "I can wait until she's born; we made our vows when we conceived her, and when you moved in. We made our vows when we started looking for a house to raise them in. The papers just make it legal."

Jack smiled as he leaned as far as he could and pressed a kiss to Ianto's forehead. "I'm so thankful to have you here. You've given me a reason to believe in love again. I'd have gone crazy by now without you."

Ianto, still tracing patterns over his belly grinned. "Me too Cariad, me too."

"Promise me you'll never leave." Whispered Jack.

Ianto gently slid up Jack's body, pressing them close together. He met Jack's equally beautiful blue eyes and smiled as he caressed Jack's cheek. "Never Jack, I'll be here as long as I can. Forever."

Jack studied his lover, staring into his intense eyes for a moment and grinned suddenly. "We're getting there aren't we?"

"Getting where?" Ianto questioned gently as he straddled his lover's waist, beginning to pluck at the buttons.

"We're getting through this—it doesn't hurt as bad."

Ianto smirked as he nodded. "Me either. Maybe we'll make it through this after all." Leaning down he pressed his lips to Jack, then suddenly jumped when he felt something against his stomach. "What the hell!?" He looked down, Jack's pants were still closed—that stab had definitely just come from Jack's belly.

"I think—your daughter just kicked you." Jack chuckled.

"That's impossible! Babies don't kick for at least—the first eight or nine weeks!"

"Yeah—because everything about this pregnancy is normal!" Laughed Jack as he pressed his hand to the non-existent bump.

"Jack I swear that baby just moved."

"Anything is possible with a baby that's part Time Lord, part immortal. This poor kid is going to be so confused."

"How long are you actually going to pregnant for if she's already kicking."

"Ianto—she isn't kicking! She probably twitched slightly and you felt it. Good grief—and by the fifty first century, normal gestation was about 35 weeks to forty weeks so it was fairly normal. Naturally, she's probably a little different because she's basically super baby. But she'll still be in there for awhile. Stop worrying."

"I can't have sex with you."

"Excuse me!?"

"I can't do it Jack! What if I poke her in the head!"

Jack shook his head, still shaking with laughter as he gently reached towards Ianto's pants. "Trust me love, you won't poke her in the head. And, I'm pretty sure she isn't going to notice right now."

"She just kicked me!"

"She did not kick you!"

"My daughter hates me!"

Jack rolled his eyes and swung himself over, knocking Ianto onto the floor on purpose. "Your daughter does not hate you, she doesn't even know you. Now stop worrying, come on, if you refuse to play with me, then I'm at least going to enjoy playing with you."

"Jack!?"

Jack shook his head as he dragged his lover into the bedroom—if he had his way, Ianto would forget why he said no sex within the next five minutes.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven  
**February 14****th****, 2010  
Patient Name(s): Ianto Jones and Captain Jack Harkness  
Diagnosis: In Love  
Reason: You can't reason with love**

_So how are you two today?_

"I'm good." Jack replied in his normal 'I just got sex" tone.

"We're doing well Doctor, thank you." Ianto glanced over at his partner who still seemed far more happy than normal, even for Jack.

_Why so good?_

Before Jack could reply with some inapt comment, Ianto jumped in, "We've been talking things out; we had a bit of an argument last night. I think this is really the first time we've reasoned after the argument though. It's going well, we're making headway." He chose to ignore Jack's snicker.

_Excellent, I'd like to ask you some questions if I may, take your time to answer gentlemen. Jack—you considered leaving Torchwood a month ago, how do you feel now?_

Jack sighed, growing serious and shrugged. "It's hard, sometimes you lose sight of what's important in the real world when you work for Torchwood. I'm saving people's lives everyday, and that's fantastic, but sometimes I forget to live my life. I was so alone for so long, now I have to learn how to be myself with someone else. It's a lot harder than I imagined it to be. I couldn't leave Torchwood—at least not yet. Maybe in ten or twenty years, but right now—this is where I belong, they still need me, and if I'm perfectly honest with myself—I still need Torchwood too.

**"**I have to agree with Jack, I considered leaving on more than a few occasions—but every time I find myself drawn back to it. It's hard not to. We're really doing good. Sometimes we forget that when everything goes to hell. But we are doing good, we're making Earth a little safer for people—for our own children." Ianto replied in agreement.

_Now are you still postponing the Civil Partnership_

"That's something we discussed last night," Ianto replied, "and for now—just because so much is already going on what with Jack being pregnant and Martha's wedding in a couple months—we've decided to hold off until after our daughter is born.

_And what about your daughter? Are you both feeling better about this?_

Jack smirked at his lover, "You know it's almost surreal because for me I keep reminding myself this isn't normal here. I have to keep telling myself I'm not a freak—but just from another century. I guess I'm really lucky to have someone so wonderful as Ianto who's willing to put up with everything that encompasses. But it all seems a lot less scary knowing I'm facing it with people who care and will care for me when the time comes."

"I'm terrified—no reason to lie about it, sorry Jack. But I'm terrified, not because I'm with a pregnant man, that part seems slightly surreal I'm afraid for him to be found out, but I'm not terrified of that part. I'm terrified that I won't make a good da'. I've always wanted to be a father, especially with one as wonderful as my own. Now here I am about to get the chance and I find myself physically terrified some moments. I know she's a miracle, and I'm not denying that, but I don't think I've ever felt this scared of anything. I have to suddenly care for another life when I feel like I barely have mine under control at times. Sometimes I worry about our jobs with Torchwood as well—but I can't stop what I'm doing, I have to protect this planet for her." Ianto replied honestly.

_Those are normal feelings Ianto, don't worry. Tell me what else has been going on with you two. As a couple._

Ianto smiled at Jack, taking in the sight of him briefly before nodding, "I think the biggest thing I've noticed over the past month is the nightmares have slowed. I'm not saying we don't have them anymore, sure we both have our bad days—thank god they usually aren't the same day. But for the most part it's gotten easier, we're both sleeping better—could be because we're so tired—but in general we're doing better."

"I still get panicky when there aren't lights on—I haven't had an attack as bad as the one last week, and sometimes I still feel completely lost without them. But I find it easier to cope—at least a little. I still sit at my desk, maybe occasionally I'll find an old dated email from Tosh and feel lost—or recall a stupid joke Owen would love. That's the hardest part, because now I have to survive for them. I have to survive for my daughter and my partner. It's different and painful—but it's gotten tolerable."

Ianto jumped in, "I have to agree, I don't find myself feeling as lost as I did a month ago—or even a couple weeks ago. I'm getting used to seeing Mickey or Jake there every morning, instead of Gwen and Owen. God I miss them—I visit their grave every weekend, an' Grey's. But I find myself getting to the point where I'm not making their coffee as much. Sometimes I feel guilty for living, but then I think about what Gwen would say 'just live for me'. I'm moving on for her, I'll be strong because she and Owen were always so strong.

"It sounds strange, but dying is the easy part—it's living on, being the survivor that is the hardest part at times. Moving on once you've lost someone. But I agree with Ianto, we're getting there, and I think Tosh's beginning to come around as well." Jack finished.

_Where do you want to go from here?_

Jack looked at his hands, before offering the only thing he knew, "We start at an end. I think just continuing to survive at this point is a great goal. I've got so many things to live for suddenly, sometimes it's overwhelming. But definitely being the survivor I've always been. Geting reacquainted with my team. I think it would be good for us to really spend some time together getting to know each other. We had such a great rapport with each other while Gwen and Owen were alive. Sure we picked on each other—but there was finesse behind it. We have to rebuild that part of Torchwood, Mickey, Jake and Martha are great additions, and hopefully they can forgive us for taking as long as we have to come around."

_What about your relationship, where do you want to go from here if you struggle again?_

Ianto grinned, "I just want to be reminded he loves me. It sounds simple, but sometimes the two of us forget we're human. It's so natural to think 'oh he already knows', sometimes we just need reminding. I guess the only thing we can hope for is that we remember we do love each other an' work out our problems like we always have."

"Definitely. Relationships aren't easy, I shut myself off for a long time, and Ianto was really the first person to take the time to notice and care again. It's a struggle to keep it all together sometimes, but there are very few nights when I find myself wondering if it's worth it. I know what I'm getting into, and that's what makes me want it even more." Jack returned.

_All right then, Jack, Ianto I'm putting you back on active duty—the both of you. You both have my numbers should you ever need help again. _

"Thank you, Doctor." Both men replied.

_Good luck with everything gentlemen._

**Summary Session: They're on the mend, in fact I'd say the whole team is, I have one final check up with Toshiko tomorrow—in which I hope to clear her for active duty as well. I think they'll be fine with a little more time. **


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve—Epilogue  
**Ten Weeks Later**

"Martha I need a work up on the alien we found down in the cellar, Tosh—see if you can't hack into the internal censors and get us a clear idea of what we're looking at. Jake—you're my eyes an' ears buddy, be careful and see if you can't tell us what we're looking for here. Mickey and Ianto, keep an eye out for any strange activity." Jack's voice rang out over their coms. At fifteen weeks pregnant he was beginning to show—though thanks to a device from the Doctor, he was only showing to those who knew he was actually pregnant.

After a long discussion—and several ensuing arguments, Ianto had made it quite clear that a mutiny was to be expected if Jack continued to go into the field this far along in the pregnancy. So, naturally, Jack remained behind to monitor his team—hating himself for it every moment.

"If I get slime on me this time Jack—" Ianto began.

"Relax! I promised you dinner didn't I!"

"Hey how come you two can talk personal but Jake an' I can't?" Mickey whined.

Jack rolled his eyes. "Because Ianto and I keep it limited to the kitchen—you and Jake like to give us graphic details, and thank you very much I'm horny and pregnant, I don't need help!"

"Too much information!" Martha screeched playfully.

"You know Martha—it's not too late for the two of us to change our minds." Giggled Tosh.

"Sorry Tosh—I'm afraid I'm taken as of three weeks ago!"

"Rub it in doctor—can't even call you Jones anymore." Jack complained over the comms

"You're just jealous because you can't add another Jones to your belt." Chuckled Martha.

"Perhaps—but don't tell Mr. Jones." He replied.

"I can hear you."

Jack grinned. "Sorry Ianto."

"Lair."

"I've got heat signatures two floors above us—want us to go in?" Tosh's voice separated the idle chatter.

"Jake, Ianto you two take the two floors above—be careful. Martha and Mickey, take the floor in between, but get the hell out of there if you can't handle it yourself. Mickey no risks!"

"Don't worry Jack, I've got him covered."

"Mickey—you gettin' anything?" Jake questioned.

"Aside from an earful of awkward conversations? Nope."

o0o

Forty-five minutes later, Ianto, Jake, Martha, Tosh and Mickey returned to the hub with two Weevils and lunch. Jake and Mickey took care of the weevils, while Ianto greeted his lover with the standard kiss. "Miss me?"

"Can't miss you when you're never gone." Joked Jack as he returned the kiss.

Ianto's hand dropped to Jack's swollen stomach and he grinned when he felt the familiar kicking again. "Yep—she definitely wants out."

"Can't blame her—I'm not a big fan of small spaces either."

"She obviously gets it from both of us then. Let's go have dinner."

Jack and Ianto made their way to the conference room, where the rest of the team was already sitting—tossing jokes back and forth between each other, Tosh threw a chip at Jake who gave as good as he got and tossed another one back. Jack stood back for a moment, watching as the laughter spread around the room—sure there were moments of sadness, anguish, panic or fear. But Jack could honestly say they were beginning to move on from the pain of losing their team. He loved Gwen and Owen, and missed their faces around this table, but now he had three more, and they were so very fantastic.

"Come on fatty!" Giggled Martha from where she sat as she pulled out Jack's chair.

"Oi!" he replied as he took his seat, joining in on the laughing and mini-food fight going on. He silently wondered if Gwen and Owen would be proud—he knew he was.


End file.
